pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me too 😆
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still