Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
U talkin 2 me?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.