*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
You Might Also Like
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying