Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.