A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣