everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.