Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.