I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*me flirting
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?