Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Just ordered me some pizza!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*