Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.