Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Breaking news:
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Human are so complicated
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.