Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom