robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.