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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!