triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
bears
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.