So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.