Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If looks could kill
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope