*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Awwwww shit.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“Huge”.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
🤣
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”