Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me trying to “trust the process”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”