There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Accurate
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!