Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.