🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What if all the cashiers are married?