[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist