Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?