*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]