It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*