People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices