Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.