Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I saw this ending much differently.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets