me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
You Might Also Like
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.