I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.