The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.