*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.