My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You Might Also Like
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Who’s your best friend?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts