Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.