Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Haha! 😂
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police