If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs