Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Breaking news:
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.