Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
He just like my cat fr
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?