You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes