If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication