That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club