[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family