[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
can’t talk my ride’s here
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
lmao
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.