olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
God has abandoned us.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
It do be feeling this way.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You deplete me
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
It’s a gift
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit