Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
what does he know…