Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it