the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.