I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*