“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The point of your 20s
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet